I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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