Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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