so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
