I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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