Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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