Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
