"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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