my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
