the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
