I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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