before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
