Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
