Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
