i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
