she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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