Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
