He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
