i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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