So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
