I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
