bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
