What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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