I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
