i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
