im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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