Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize