Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
