I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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