I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
