its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
