seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
