You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
