You're my little dorito
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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