dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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