Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
