I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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