I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to make out with him forever
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
