I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
