can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
