I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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