he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
