Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
