Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
