my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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