There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We are two peas in an std pod
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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