No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
