i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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