you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
