2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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