I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
from now on my penis is your penis
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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