My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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