Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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